so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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