You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
