One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
