That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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