Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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