Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
