my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
