I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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