here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
