Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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