4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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