We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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