New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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