i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
