Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
