I'm lost and stupid without you.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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