I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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