You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
My feet surprised me
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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