I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
