my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He did a backflip because drugs
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
