Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
