So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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