Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
