great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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