if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
