im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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