Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Its about making memories worth repressing
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
