I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
