My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
