On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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