mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
