found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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