She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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