ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
