if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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