Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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