True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
