i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
That's how pantless uber rides happen
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
