I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
