wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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