ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
