I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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