We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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