totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You can't just leave with hair like that
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
