My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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