i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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