when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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