I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
