Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
But break dance skills will only take you so far
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
