What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
