I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
