I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
