No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
