whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
