She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
