I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
