Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
