Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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