he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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