I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
