Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
