They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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