Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
