Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
