So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
